The new Pokemon are out, and like me, I’m sure you’re raring to catch them all. Finding new creatures, training them to become little superheroes, naming them obscene names and trading them to your younger relatives…all great times. Even so, there are those pokemon. You know, THOSE ones. The ones that get caught and then promptly get chucked into a box. The ones you never pull out because you don’t want to look at them. The ones that are weird and creepy even for a game that contains both Jynx AND Mr. Mime. After the jump, here’s a list of five of THOSE kind of pokemon, in no order at all!
You know what’s bad for a pokemon? When you can’t tell what animal it’s supposed to look like even after someone told you. Apparently it’s supposed to be an otter, which means my first guess (cat dressed as a clown snowman) is way off. But hey, I can give the designers points for trying for something interesting with it’s first form, which can’t be said for the other ones. Seriously, the middle evolution is blue Meowth with webbed MC Hammer pants and the final evolution is fish Dialga. This kind of lazy design might slide by for the typical rodent or bird pokemon, but not when it’s right at the start.
Okay, I see what they were going for here. It’s like a little girl that grows a dress as you go along! At the end it’s like it’s wearing a giant dress with a line of white puffballs down the front! Yes, all well and good. The problem is that because of this the starting evolution resembles a little girl with breasts. That’s not a good look.
There’s cute, there’s super cute, and then there’s a Silent Hill monster as designed by Lisa Frank. If I saw this pink gas-spewing monstrosity floating towards me, I’d go for a shotgun before I’d go for a poke-ball. Better to fight than be sent to whatever pastel hell it will deliver me to with that horrific perfume port right in it’s skull. (I’m betting that hell smells just like a crafts store.)
On top of being gross, this one just doesn’t make much sense. At least Cubone’s thing about wearing each of their dead mother’s skulls has some drama to it. Are all these bears born with a cold? Do you have to drain the giant drip every once in a while, like some weird kind of snot haircut? There are a lot of unanswered questions here, and every one is disgusting.
Hey, this one’s not so bad, you may say. Looks imposing and legendary, like a Legendary should! Well, you’re right, if not for one thing. See it? It’s right there in front of you. Right between it’s haunches there. Yeah. I understand wanting to give a great pokemon made of wings an extra one, but sometimes you have to stop before you accidentally make your pokemon obscene. Unless Reshiram has a Suggestive Wing Attack. If that’s the case, we’ve got a whole different kind of problem here.